


All the Secrets and No One to Tell

by lilijuliet



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV Morgan, Unrequited Love, background mentions of bau partners, background mentions of bau team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 16:24:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13080717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilijuliet/pseuds/lilijuliet
Summary: Reflections on a love that could never be.





	All the Secrets and No One to Tell

**Author's Note:**

> cleaning up my desktop prompted me to re-read this fic i wrote, oh my god, literally years ago. i hope it finds someone that may still enjoy it. 
> 
> circa seasons 8 & 9

He knows.

He knows Reid hasn’t told Maeve he loved her. Couldn’t tell her. A small, petty piece of Morgan sparks with the confirmation and yeah, he definitely knows. Hell, the closest Reid ever came to saying it to him is when he closed a door between them and said he was sorry. Morgan’s brain unhelpfully connects now that moment is the perfect summary of their entire relationship. He shakes his head tightly. The man he loves is in pain and Morgan has no time for self-pity. He does what he has always done. He puts Reid first. 

===

He slides behind him and shimmies the ridiculous birthday hat he bought a little further down Reid’s head. Reid doesn’t look altogether comfortable but it might be the first time Morgan touches him and Reid doesn’t flinch. The thought excites Morgan so much that he gently squeezes the genius’ shoulder. He has never worked so hard to get to know anyone before. He wonders if the boy, if this kid, is even worth it.

===

He moves on because he has to. He finally fell head over heels in love and what does he have to show for it? What? Not a single damn thing. Morgan feels like a fool. He can’t wallow in all the times they whispered I love you in the dark because that never happened. He doesn’t have pictures to burn in his fireplace. He can’t rehash it all with his mother because he never admitted it to her. He was so careful not to directly admit it to anyone. Instead, he goes to JJ’s at dinnertime nearly every night. She’s kind enough not to ask why. They talk about everything but Spencer and it’s nice to have this new connection with her. Sometimes, as JJ’s upstairs reading to Henry, Morgan and Will whisper their worries over whiskey. It doesn’t take the pain away. 

===

He loves every moment of this. The tickle of Reid’s hair against his face, the delicate slide of their tongues, Reid’s quick nibble, lick, tug on his bottom lip. That Morgan begins to recognize as Reid’s tell when Reid doesn’t want their kiss to end. And Morgan doesn’t want it to end either. He looks deeply into Reid’s eyes and says it. Tells him he doesn’t ever want to stop kissing him. Reid blushes and kisses Morgan to prevent him from saying more. But Morgan’s already told him everything; his heart is laid bare in every kiss.

===

He breaks and the tears are streaming down his face. This is not what he wanted for Spencer. This is not what he wanted for Maeve. He buries himself deeper in Penelope’s embrace. Soothes in her gentle rocking motion and the flutter of her voice washes over him. He gets that her words are supposed to be comforting and supportive but he can’t make them out. He only hears the echo of a gunshot and Spencer’s wrenching sobs. The sounds he hears every night in his dreams. How can he help Reid when he himself can’t move on? When he blames himself and his selfish, lingering love? He can hear Garcia repeating some sort of manta that ends with he needs you. She thinks all love is good, his baby girl, she doesn’t understand the weight of a love that swallows you whole only to spit you out.

===

He laughs because Det. Lopez has done more for him in 5 days than Morgan’s managed to do in months. Sure, he’s been telling Reid he loves him but after they’ve been burning up the sheets in Reid’s hotel room he is certain that Reid really knows it now. In fact the whole team probably knows. Between their fiery argument and boisterous make up sex, Morgan chuckles, yep, they know. Smirking at Spencer sleeping soundly in his bed he briefly considers sending Lopez flowers. Nah, that’s probably a bad look. Instead, Morgan wishes her goodwill and a fraction of his happiness.

===

He remembers all of the good times and none of the bad. In his mind Morgan faithfully maintains a careful inventory of inside jokes, subtle looks and gestures – any private intimacies shared. He has long since memorized all of Reid’s favorite things and secret fears. It’s really not so hard to go back to just being friends again. Morgan watches campy sci-fi movies, visits countless exhibits, attends university lectures in foreign languages. Anything that ties him to Reid. Yet Morgan still feels like he is trying to capture a bubble. Morgan doesn’t understand how Reid can always tell him so much and reveal so little. It must be a magician’s trick. 

===

He’s reread the little note that slipped out of Emily’s Christmas card at least 20 times. And she’s begging. Forget your pride, Morgan, just suck it up and pursue happiness. And in case she was being too subtle the bottom of the note has ‘go get him!’ written in hysterical capital letters and multiple underlines. Morgan has two presents sitting on his coffee table, brightly shining gifts bought for the two most important people in his world. Savannah and Spencer. He closes his eyes and traces a package with his fingertip and he knows. He knows which one to pick up and which one to leave behind.


End file.
